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THE CURRENT ESSENCE OF ELDER BOB

All of these jokes are on the internet many times. Not copyrighted.

ANOTHER TEST spacer BETCHA YOU DIDN'T KNOW spacer EMERGENCY VIRUS ALERT spacer EXTINCT WORDS



HOW DOES IT WORK ?? spacer HOW WE RAED spacer LEXIPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)



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PROFESSIONAL QUALIFICATIONS spacer QUESTIONS TO PONDER spacer RED MARBLES



SCIENCE EXAMS spacer SIGNS spacer SOUTHERN HOROSCOPE



TEST YOUR ADVERTISING KNOWLEDGE spacer TRUE STORY WORTH READING



WEIRD, HUH ?? spacer WHAT MOTHER TAUGHT ME spacer WORDS NOT IN THE DICTIONARY



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WEIRD, HUH ??....



Something to make you laugh, at least I did when I did it. Try it and see.........

While sitting at your desk, Lift your right foot off the floor and make clockwise circles.

Now, while doing this, Draw the number "6" in the air with your right hand.

Your foot will change direction.


Weird, huh?



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EMERGENCY VIRUS NOTICE



If you receive an email entitled "Bedtimes", delete it IMMEDIATELY.

Do not open it.

Apparently this one is pretty nasty.

It will not only erase everything on your hard drive, but it will also delete anything on disks within 20 feet of your computer. It demagnetizes the strips on ALL of your credit cards. It reprograms your ATM access code, screws up the tracking on your VCR and uses subspace field harmonics to scratch any CD's you attempt to play. It will program your phone auto dial to call only 900 numbers. This virus will mix antifreeze into your fish tank. IT WILL CAUSE YOUR TOILET TO FLUSH WHILE YOU ARE SHOWERING.

It will drink ALL your beer..........FOR GOSH SAKE, ARE YOU LISTENING??



It will leave dirty underwear on the coffee table when you are expecting company. It will replace your shampoo with Nair and your Nair with Rogaine. If the "Bedtimes" message opened in a Windows 95/98 environment, it will leave the toilet seat up and leave your hair dryer plugged in dangerously close to a full bathtub. It will not only remove the forbidden tags from your mattresses and pillows, it will also refill your skim milk with whole milk.

******* WARN AS MANY PEOPLE AS YOU CAN *******

And if you don't send this to 5000 people in 20 seconds, you'll fart so hard that your right leg will spasm and shoot straight out in front of you, sending sparks that will ignite the person nearest you.

Send it to EVERYONE!!


If you are a blonde, this is a joke.



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TRUE STORY WORTH READING



At the prodding of my friends, I am writing this story. My name is Mildred Hondorf. I am a former elementary school music teacher from Des Moines, Iowa. I've always supplemented my income by teaching piano lessons-something I've done for over 30 years. Over the years I found that children have many levels of musical ability. I've never had the pleasure of having a prodigy though I have taught some talented students.


However I've also had my share of what I call "musically challenged" pupils. One such student was Robby. Robby was 11 years old when his mother (a single Mom) dropped him off for his first piano lesson. I prefer that students (especially boys!) begin at an earlier age, which I explained to Robby.


But Robby said that it had always been his mother's dream to hear him play the piano. So I took him as a student. Well, Robby began with his piano lessons and from the beginning I thought it was a hopeless endeavor.


As much as Robby tried, he lacked the sense of tone and basic rhythm needed to excel. But he dutifully reviewed his scales and some elementary pieces that I require all my students to learn.


Over the months he tried and tried while I listened and cringed and tried to encourage him. At the end of each weekly lesson he'd always say, "My mom's going to hear me play someday." But it seemed hopeless. He just did not have any inborn ability. I only knew his mother from a distance as she dropped Robby off or waited in her aged car to pick him up. She always waved and smiled but never stopped in.


Then one day Robby stopped coming to our lessons.


I thought about calling him but assumed because of his lack of ability, that he had decided to pursue something else. I also was glad that he stopped coming. He was a bad advertisement for my teaching!


Several weeks later I mailed to the student's homes a flyer on the upcoming recital. To my surprise Robby (who received a flyer) asked me if he could be in the recital. I told him that the recital was for current pupils and because he had dropped out he really did not qualify. He said that his mother had been sick and unable to take him to piano lessons but he was still practicing. "Miss Hondorf . . . I've just got to play!" he insisted.


I don't know what led me to allow him to play in the recital. Maybe it was his persistence or maybe it was something inside of me saying that it would be all right. The night for the recital came. The high school gymnasium was packed with parents, friends and relatives. I put Robby up last in the program before I was to come up and thank all the students and play a finishing piece. I thought that any damage he would do would come at the end of the program and I could always salvage his poor performance through my "curtain closer."


Well, the recital went off without a hitch. The students had been practicing and it showed. Then Robby came up on stage. His clothes were wrinkled and his hair looked like he'd run an eggbeater through it. "Why didn't he dress up like the other students?" I thought. "Why didn't his mother at least make him comb his hair for this special night?"


Robby pulled out the piano bench and he began. I was surprised when he announced that he had chosen Mozart's Concerto #21 in C Major. I was not prepared for what I heard next. His fingers were light on the keys, they even danced nimbly on the ivories. He went from pianissimo to fortissimo. . .. from allegro to virtuoso. His suspended chords that Mozart demands were magnificent! Never had I heard Mozart played so well by people his age. After six and a half minutes he ended in a grand crescendo and everyone was on their feet in wild applause.


Overcome and in tears I ran up on stage and put my arms around Robby in joy. "I've never heard you play like that Robby! How'd you do it? " Through the microphone Robby explained: "Well Miss Hondorf . . . remember I told you my Mom was sick? Well, actually she had cancer and passed away this morning. And well . . . she was born deaf so tonight was the first time she ever heard me play. I wanted to make it special."


There wasn't a dry eye in the house that evening. As the people from Social Services led Robby from the stage to be placed into foster care, I noticed that even their eyes were red and puffy and I thought to myself how much richer my life had been for taking Robby as my pupil.


No, I've never had a prodigy but that night I became a prodigy. . . of Robby's. He was the teacher and I was the pupil For it is he that taught me the meaning of perseverance and love and believing in yourself and maybe even taking a chance in someone and you don't know why.


Robby was killed in the senseless bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building in Oklahoma City in April of 1995.



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SIGNS



Septic Tank Truck sign reads:....."We're #1 in the #2 business".


On a Septic Tank Truck in Oregon:....."Yesterday's Meals on Wheels"


At a Proctologist's door:....."To expedite your visit please back in."


On a Plastic Surgeon's Office door:....."Hello. Can we pick your nose?"


Sign over a gynecologist's office:....."Dr. Jones, at your cervix."


At a military hospital-door to endoscopies:....."To expedite your visit please back in."


On a Plumbers truck:....."We repair what your husband fixed."


On the trucks of a local plumbing company:....."Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."


Pizza shop slogan:....."7 days without pizza makes one weak."


At a tire shop in Milwaukee:....."Invite us to your next blowout."


At a towing company:....."We don't charge an arm and a leg. We want tows."


On an electrician's truck:....."Let us remove your shorts."


In a nonsmoking area:....."If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action."


On a maternity room door:....."Push. Push. Push."


At an optometrist's office:....."If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."


On a taxidermist's window:....."We really know our stuff."


In a podiatrist's office:....."Time wounds all heels."


On a fence:....."Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive."


At a car dealership:....."The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."


Outside a muffler shop:....."No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."


In a veterinarian's waiting room:....."Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"


At the electric company:....."We would be delighted if you send in your bill. However, if you don't, you will be."


In a restaurant window:....."Don't stand there and be hungry --- Come on in and get fed up."


In the front yard of a funeral home:....."Drive carefully. We'll wait."


At a propane filling station:....."Tank heaven for little grills."


And don't forget the sign at a Chicago radiator shop:....."Best place in town to take a leak."



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OPRAH GOT A 38



Dr. Phil gave this test on Oprah.....she got a 38. Some folks pay a lot of money to find this stuff out. Read on, this is very interesting! Don't be overly sensitive! The following is pretty accurate. And it only takes 2 minutes. Answers are for who you are now...... not who you were in the past. Have pen or pencil and paper ready. This is a real test given by the Human Relations Dept. at many of the major corporations today. It helps them get better insight concerning their employees and prospective employees.


It's only 10 simple questions.





01. When do you feel your best?

a) in the morning
b) during the afternoon & and early evening
c) late at night


02. You usually walk....

a) fairly fast, with long steps
b) fairly fast, with little steps
c) less fast head up, looking the world in the face
d) less fast, head down
e) very slowly


03. When talking to people you...

a) stand with your arms folded
b) have your hands clasped
c) have one or both your hands on your hips
d) touch or push the person to whom you are talking
e) play with your ear, touch your chin, or smooth your hair


04. When relaxing, you sit with...

a) your knees bent with your legs neatly side by side
b) your legs crossed
c) your legs stretched out or straight
d) one leg curled under you


05. When something really amuses you, you react with...

a) a big, appreciative laugh
b) a laugh, but not a loud one
c) a quiet chuckle
d) a sheepish smile


06. When you go to a party or social gathering you...

a) make a loud entrance so everyone notices you
b) make a quiet entrance, looking around for someone you know
c) make the quietest entrance, trying to stay unnoticed


07. You're working very hard, concentrating hard, and you're interrupted, do you...

a) welcome the break
b) feel extremely irritated
c) vary between these two extremes


08. Which of the following colors do you like most?

a) Red or orange
b) black
c) yellow or light blue
d) green
e) dark blue or purple
f) white
g) brown or gray


09. When you are in bed at night, in those last few moments before going to sleep, you lie..

a) stretched out on your back
b) stretched out face down on your stomach
c) on your side, slightly curled
d) with your head on one arm
e) with your head under the covers


10. You often dream that you are...

a) falling
b) fighting or struggling
c) searching for something or somebody
d) flying or floating
e) you usually have dreamless sleep
f) your dreams are always pleasant



POINTS:

01. (a) 2 (b) 4 (c) 6

02. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 7 (d) 2 (e) 1

03. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 5 (d) 7 (e) 6

04. (a) 4 (b) 6 (c) 2 (d) 1

05. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 2

06. (a) 6 (b) 4 (c) 2

07. (a) 6 (b) 2 (c) 4

08. (a) 6 (b) 7 (c) 5 (d) 4 (e) 3 (f) 2 (g) 1

09. (a) 7 (b) 6 (c) 4 (d) 2 (e) 1

10. (a) 4 (b) 2 (c) 3 (d) 5 (e) 6 (f) 1


~~~ Now add up the total number of points.


OVER 60 POINTS:

Others see you as someone they should "handle with care". You're seen as vain, self-centered, and who is extremely dominant. Others may admire you, wishing they could be more like you, but don't always trust you, hesitating to become too deeply involved with you.


51 TO 60 POINTS:

Others see you as an exciting, highly volatile, rather impulsive personality; a natural leader, who's quick to make decisions,though not always the right ones. They see you as bold and adventuresome, someone who will try anything once; someone who takes chances and enjoys an adventure. They enjoy being in your company because of the excitement you radiate.


41 TO 50 POINTS:

Others see you as fresh, lively, charming, amusing, practical, and always interesting; someone who's constantly in the center of attention, but sufficiently well-balanced not to let it go to their head. They also see you as kind, considerate, and understanding; someone who will always cheer them up and help them out.


31 TO 40 POINTS:

Others see you as sensible, cautious, careful & practical. They see you as clever, gifted, or talented, but modest. Not a person who makes friends too quickly or easily, but someone who's extremely loyal to friends you do make and to expect the same loyalty in return. Those who really get to know you realize it takes a lot to shake your trust in your friends, but equally that it takes you a long time to get over it if that trust is ever broken.


21 TO 30 POINTS:

Your friends see you as painstaking and fussy. They see you as very cautious, extremely careful, a slow and steady plodder. It would really surprise them if you ever did something impulsively or on the spur of the moment, expecting you to examine everything carefully from every angle and then, usually decide against it. They think this reaction is caused partly by your careful nature.


UNDER 21 POINTS:

People think you are shy, nervous, and indecisive, someone who needs looking after, who always wants someone else to make the decisions & who doesn't want to get involved with anyone or anything. They see you as a worrier who always sees problems that don't exist. Some people think you're boring. Only those who know you well know that you aren't.



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DO YOU HAVE QUALIFICATIONS TO BE A 'PROFESSIONAL'



The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and will tell you whether you are qualified to be a "professional." and give you the rationale behind each and every question.

Scroll down for each answer. The questions are NOT that difficult. Don't Cheat!!!!





1.....How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?


2.....How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?


3.....The Lion King is hosting an animal conference. All the animals attend except one. Which animal does not attend?


4.....There is a river you must cross but it is inhabited by crocodiles. How do you manage it?






1.....The correct answer is: Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door. This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.


2.....Wrong Answer: Did you say, "Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?"

Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door. This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.


3.....Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory. OK, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.


4.....Correct Answer: You swim across. All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Meeting. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.




According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the professionals they tested got all questions wrong. But many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively disproves the theory that most professionals have the brains of a four year old.



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ANOTHER TEST


No cheating! No looking around; no using anything on or in your desk or your computer!


Can you beat 18? Answers found at bottom of test.



01..... On a standard traffic light, is the green on the top or bottom?


02..... How many states are there? (Don't laugh, some people don't know)


03..... In which hand is the Statue of Liberty's torch?


04..... What six colors are on the classic Campbell's soup label?


05..... What two letters don't appear on the telephone dial? (No cheating!)


06..... What two numbers on the telephone dial don't have letters by them?


07..... When you walk does your left arm swing w/your right or left leg?


08..... How many matches are in a standard pack?


09..... On the United States flag is the top stripe red or white?


10..... What is the lowest number on the FM dial?


11..... Which way does water go down the drain, counter or clockwise?


12..... Which way does a "no smoking" sign's slash run?


13..... How many channels on a VHF TV dial?


14..... Which side of a women's blouse are the buttons on?


15..... On a NY license plate, is New York on the top or bottom?


16..... Which way do fans rotate?


17..... Whose face is on a dime?


18..... How many sides does a stop sign have?


19..... Do books have even-numbered pages on the right or left side?


20..... How many lug nuts are on a standard car wheel?


21..... How many sides are there on a standard pencil?


22..... Sleepy, Happy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Dopey, Doc. Who's missing?


23..... How many hot dog buns are in a standard package?


25..... On which playing card is the cardmaker's trademark?


26..... On which side of a venetian blind is the cord that adjusts the opening between the slats?


27..... On the back of a $1 bill, what is in the center?


28..... There are 12 buttons on a touch tone phone. What 2 symbols bear no digits?


29..... How many curves are there in the standard paper clip?


30..... Does a merry-go-round turn counter or clockwise?





ANSWERS :



01..... Bottom
02..... 50 (please tell me you at least got this one!)
03..... Right
04..... Blue, red, white, yellow, black, and gold
05..... Q Z
06..... 1, 0
07..... Right
08..... 20
09..... Red
10..... 88
11.... Counter (unless you happen to be south of the equator)
12.... Towards bottom right
13.... 12 (no #1)
14.... Left
15.... Top
16.... Clockwise as you look at it
17.... Roosevelt
18.... 8
19.... Left
20.... 5
21.... 6
22.... Bashful
23.... 8
24.... Did you notice there wasn't one?
25.... Ace of spades
26.... Left
27.... ONE
28.... *, #
29.... 3
30.... Counter



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HOW DOES IT WORK ?



FOLLOW THESE SIMPLE 6 STEPS AND BE IMPRESSED....


1.... First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to have dinner out. (try for more than once but less than 10)


2.... Multiply this number by 2 (Just to be bold)


3.... Add 5. (for Sunday)


4.... Multiply it by 50 - I'll wait while you get the calculator


5.... If you have already had your birthday this year add 1753 -- If you haven't, add 1752.


6.... Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.



You should have a three digit number.

The first digit of this was your original number (i.e., how many times you want to eat out each week.)


The next two numbers tell...YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it IS!!!!!)



THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2003) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS. IMPRESSIVE, ISN'T IT?



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HOW WE READ



Aoccdrnig to a rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn't mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. The rset can be a total mses and you can sitll raed it wouthit porbelm. Tihs is bcuseae the huamn mnid deos not raed ervey lteter by istlef, but the wrod as a wlohe.

Amzanig huh



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SOUTHERN HOROSCOPE



Some of us (especially Southerners) are pretty skeptical of horoscopes, and it has become obvious that what we need are "Southern" symbols:


OKRA (Dec 22 - Jan 20) Although you appear crude, you are actually very slick on the inside. Okras have tremendous influence. An older Okra can look back over his life and see the seeds of his influence everywhere. Stay away from Moon Pies.


CHITLIN (Jan 21 - Feb 19) Chitlins come from humble backgrounds. A chitlin, however, can make something of himself if he's motivated and has lots of seasoning. In dealing with Chitlins, be careful. They can erupt like Mt. Vesuvius. Chitlins are best with Catfish and Okra.


BOLL WEEVIL (Feb 20 - Mar 20) You have an overwhelming curiosity. You're unsatisfied with the surface of things, and you feel the need to bore deep into the interior of everything. Needless to say, you are very intense and driven as if you had some inner hunger. Nobody in their right mind is going to marry you, so don't worry about it.


MOON PIE (Mar 21 - Apr 20) You're the type that spends a lot of time on the front porch. It's a cinch to recognize the physical appearance of Moon Pies. Big and round are the key words here. You should marry anybody who you can get remotely interested in the idea. It's not going to be easy. This might be the year to think about aerobics. Or ... maybe not...


POSSUM (Apr 21 - May 21) When confronted with life's difficulties, possums have a marked tendency to withdraw and develop a don't-bother-me-about-it attitude. Sometimes you become so withdrawn, people actually think you're dead. This strategy is probably not psychologically healthy, but seems to work for you. One day, however, it won't work and you may find your problems actually running you over.


CRAWFISH (May 22 - June 21) Crawfish is a water sign. If you work in an office, you're always hanging around the water cooler. Crawfish prefer the beach to the mountains, the pool to the golf course, the bathtub to the living room. You tend to be not particularly attractive physically, but you have very, very good heads.


COLLARDS (June 22 - July 23) Collards have a genius for communication. They love to get in the "melting pot" of life and share their essence with the essence of those round them. Collards make good social workers, psychologists, and baseball managers. As far as your personal life goes, if you are Collards, stay away from Moon Pies. It just won't work. Save yourself a lot of heartache.


CATFISH (July 24 - Aug 23) Catfish are traditionalists in matters of the heart; although one's whiskers may cause problems for loved ones. You catfish are never easy people to understand. You prefer the muddy bottoms to the clear surface of life. Above all else, Catfish should stay away from Moon Pies.


GRITS (Aug 24 - Sept 23) Your highest aim is to be with others like yourself. You like to huddle together with a big crowd of other Grits. You love to travel though, so maybe you should think about joining a club. Where do you like to go? Anywhere they have cheese or gravy or bacon or butter or eggs. If you can go somewhere where they have all these things that serves you well.


BOILED PEANUTS (Sept 24 - Oct 23) You have a passionate desire to help your fellow man. Unfortunately, those who know you best -- your friends and loved ones -- may find that your personality is much too salty, and their criticism will probably affect you deeply because you are really much softer than you appear. You should go right ahead and marry anybody you want to because in a certain way, yours is a charmed life. On the road of life, you! can be sure that people will always pull over and stop for you.


BUTTER BEAN (Oct 24 - Nov 23) Always invite a Butter Bean because Butter Beans get along well with everybody. You, as a Butter Bean, should be proud. You've grown on the vine of life and you feel at home no matter what the setting. You can sit next to anybody. However, you, too, shouldn't have anything to do with Moon Pies.


ARMADILLO (Nov 24 - Dec 21) You have a tendency to develop a tough exterior, but you are actually quite gentle. A good evening for you? Old friends, a fire, some roots, fruit, worms and insects. You are a throwback. You're not concerned with today's fashions and trends. You're not concerned with anything about today. You're really almost prehistoric in your interests and behavior patterns. You probably want to marry another Armadillo, but Possum is another somewhat kinky, mating possibility.



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MURPHY'S LAWS



The Origin of Murphy's Law

"If there are two or more ways to do something, and one of those ways can result in a catastrophe, then someone will do it."

So who was Murphy anyway?
Born in 1917, Edward A. Murphy, Jr. was one of the engineers on the rocket-sled experiments that were done by the United States Air Force in 1949 to test human acceleration tolerances (USAF project MX981).

One experiment involved a set of 16 accelerometers mounted to different parts of the subject's body. There were two ways each sensor could be glued to its mount. Of course, somebody managed to install all 16 the wrong way around.

Murphy then made the original form of his pronouncement, which the test subject (Major John Paul Stapp) quoted at a news conference a few days later.

Within months, "Murphy's Law" had spread to various technical cultures connected to aerospace engineering, and finally reached the Webster's dictionary in 1958.

Tragically (and perhaps typically), the popular cliche we call "Murphy's Law" was never uttered by Edward Murphy.

Murphy's Law applies to Murphy's Law, too

The traditional version of Murphy's Law ("anything that can go wrong, will") is actually "Finagle's Law of Dynamic Negatives." Finagle's Law was popularized by science fiction author Larry Niven in several stories depicting a frontier culture of asteroid miners; this "Belter" culture professed a religion and/or running joke involving the worship of the dread god Finagle and his mad prophet Murphy.

Since then, the relentless truth inherent in Murphy's Law has become a persistent thorn in the side of humanity.

More Murphy's Laws

If there is a possibility of several things going wrong, the one that will cause the most damage will be the one to go wrong.

Corollary: If there is a worse time for something to go wrong, it will happen then.

If anything just cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

If you perceive that there are four possible ways in which something can go wrong, and circumvent these, then a fifth way, unprepared for, will promptly develop.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.

Nature always sides with the hidden flaw.

Mother nature is a bitch.

The Murphy Philosophy

Smile . . . tomorrow will be worse.

Quantization Revision of Murphy's Laws

Everything goes wrong all at once.

Murphy's Constant

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

Murphy's Law of Research

Enough research will tend to support your theory.

Addition to Murphy's Laws

In nature, nothing is ever right. Therefore, if everything is going right ... something is wrong.

Anything that can go wrong will go wrong.

It is impossible to make anything foolproof because fools are so ingenious.

Left to themselves, things tend to go from bad to worse.

Rule of Accuracy: When working toward the solution of a problem, it always helps if you know the answer.

Corollary: Provided, of course, that you know there is a problem.

Nothing is as easy as it looks.

Everything takes longer than you think.

If anything simply cannot go wrong, it will anyway.

Whenever you set out to do something, something else must be done first.

Every solution breeds new problems.

The legibility of a copy is inversely proportional to its importance.

Matter will be damaged in direct proportion to its value

You cannot successfully determine beforehand which side of the bread to butter.

The chance of the buttered side of the bread falling face down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

The chance of the bread falling with the buttered side down is directly proportional to the cost of the carpet.

You will always find something in the last place you look.

No matter how long or how hard you shop for an item, after you've bought it, it will be on sale somewhere cheaper.

The other line always moves faster.

In order to get a loan, you must first prove you don't need it.

Anything you try to fix will take longer and cost you more than you thought.

If you fool around with a thing for very long you will screw it up.

If it jams - force it. If it breaks, it needed replacing anyway.

When a broken appliance is demonstrated for the repairman, it will work perfectly.

Build a system that even a fool can use, and only a fool will use it.

Everyone has a scheme for getting rich that will not work.

In any hierarchy, each individual rises to his own level of incompetence, and then remains there.

There's never time to do it right, but there's always time to do it over.

When in doubt, mumble. When in trouble, delegate.

Anything good in life is either illegal, immoral or fattening.

Murphy's golden rule: whoever has the gold makes the rules.

In case of doubt, make it sound convincing.

Never argue with a fool, people might not know the difference.

Penza's law about math's lessons:

The porter will knock at the door at the most crucial point of the lesson.

Where patience fails, force prevails.

If you want something bad enough, chances are you won't get it.

If you think you are doing the right thing, chances are it will back-fire in your face.

When waiting for traffic, chances are that when one lane clears the other is congested.

Just when you think things cannot get any worse, they will.

Remember the "Boomer-rang" effect; Whatever you do will always come back.

If you re-act to actions, you've acted on actions.

He who angers you controls you, there-fore you have no control over your anger.

Any time you put an item in a "safe place", it will never be seen again.

Your best golf shots always occur when playing alone.

The worst golf shots always occur when playing with someone you are trying to impress.

No matter how hard you try, you cannot push a string.
(getting everyone in the family to the car at the same time for example)

The fish are always biting....yesterday!

The cost of the hair do is directly related to the strength of the wind.

Great ideas are never remembered and dumb statements are never forgotten.

The clothes washer/dryer will only eat one of each pair of socks.

When you see see light at the end of the tunnel, the tunnel will cave in.
Or in another version
The light at the end of the tunnel is a train

Cole's Law:
Thinly sliced cabbage.

Whatever you want, you can't have, what you can have, you don't want.

Whatever you want to do, is Not possible, what ever is possible for you to do, you don't want to do it.

Traffic is inversely proportional to how late you are, or are going to be.

The complexity and frustration factor is inversely proportional to how much time you have left to finish, and how important it is.

Crespins law of observation:
The probability of being observed is in direct proportion to the stupidity of ones actions

If you go to bed with an itchy ass, you wake up with smelly fingers.

A knowledge of Murphy's Law is no help in any situation.

If you say something, and stake your reputation on it, you will lose your reputation.

Where patience fails, force prevails.

Waxman's Law:
Everything tastes more or less like chicken.

Skarstad's Observation
You will never find any more loose change than you have already lost.

If authority was mass, stupidity would be gravity.



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RED MARBLES



During the waning years of the depression in a small Idaho community, I used to stop by Mr. Miller's roadside stand for farm fresh produce as the season made it available. Food and money were still extremely scarce and bartering was used extensively.

One day Mr. Miller was bagging some early potatoes for me. I noticed a small boy, delicate of bone and feature, ragged but clean, hungrily appraising a basket of freshly picked green peas. I paid for my potatoes but was also drawn to the display of fresh green peas. I am a pushover for creamed peas and new potatoes. Pondering the peas, I couldn't help overhearing the conversation between Mr. Miller and the ragged boy next to me.

"Hello Barry, how are you today?"
"H'lo, Mr. Miller. Fine, thank ya. Jus' admirin' them peas ... sure look good."
"They are good, Barry. How's your Ma?"
"Fine. Gittin' stronger alla' time."
"Good. Anything I can help you with?"
"No, Sir. Jus' admirin' them peas."
"Would you like to take some home?"
"No, Sir. Got nuthin' to pay for 'em with."
"Well, what have you to trade me for some of those peas?"
"All I got's my prize marble here."
"Is that right? Let me see it."
"Here 'tis. She's a dandy."
"I can see that. Hmmmmm, only thing is this one is blue and I sort of go
for red. Do you have a red one like this at home?"
"Not 'zackley .... but almost."
"Tell you what. Take this sack of peas home with you and next trip this way let me
look at that red marble."
"Sure will. Thanks Mr. Miller."

Mrs. Miller, who had been standing nearby, came over to help me. With a smile she said, "There are two other boys like him in our community, all three are in very poor circumstances. Jim just loves to bargain with them for peas, apples, tomatoes, or whatever. When they come back with their red marbles, and they always do, he decides he doesn't like red after all and he sends them home with a bag of produce for a green marble or an orange one, perhaps."

I left the stand smiling to myself, impressed with this man. A short time later I moved to Colorado but I never forgot the story of this man, the boys, and their bartering.

Several years went by, each more rapid that the previous one. Just recently I had occasion to visit some old friends in that Idaho community and while I was there learned that Mr. Miller had died. They were having his viewing that evening and knowing my friends wanted to go, I agreed to accompany them.

Upon arrival at the mortuary we fell into line to meet the relatives of the deceased and to offer whatever words of comfort we could. Ahead of us in line were three young men. One was in an army uniform and the other two wore nice haircuts, dark suits and white shirts ... all very professional looking. They approached Mrs. Miller, standing composed and smiling by her husband's casket.

Each of the young men hugged her, kissed her on the cheek, spoke briefly with her and moved on to the casket. Her misty light blue eyes followed them as, one by one, each young man stopped briefly and placed his own warm hand over the cold pale hand in the casket. Each left the mortuary awkwardly, wiping his eyes.

Our turn came to meet Mrs. Miller. I told her who I was and mentioned the story she had told me about the marbles. With her eyes glistening, she took my hand and led me to the casket. "Those three young men who just left were the boys I told you about. They just told me how they appreciated the things Jim "traded" them. Now, at last, when Jim could not change his mind about color or size ... they came to pay their debt. We've never had a great deal of the wealth of this world," she confided, "but right now, Jim would consider himself the richest man in Idaho." With loving gentleness she lifted the lifeless fingers of her deceased husband. Resting underneath were three exquisitely shined red marbles.

Moral: We will not be remembered by our words, but by our kind deeds. Life is not measured by the breaths we take, but by the moments that take our breath.

Today I wish you a day of ordinary miracles
......... A fresh pot of coffee you didn't make yourself
......... An unexpected phone call from an old friend
......... Green stoplights on your way to work
......... The fastest line at the grocery store
......... A good sing-along song on the radio
......... Your keys right where you left them
They say it takes a minute to find a special person,
An hour to appreciate them,
A day to love them,
But an entire life to forget them.



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OLD FARTS AT WAR



If I could, I'd enlist today and help my country track down those responsible for killing thousands of innocent people in New York City and Washington, DC But, I'm over 50 now and the Armed Forces say I'm too old to track down terrorists. You can't be older than 35 to join the military. They've got the whole thing backwards. Instead of sending 18-year-olds off to fight, they ought to take us old guys.

You shouldn't be able to join until you're at least 35. For starters:

Researchers say 18-year-olds think about sex every 10 seconds. Old guys only think about sex a couple of times a day, leaving us more that 28,000 additional seconds per day to concentrate on the enemy.

Young guys haven't lived long enough to be cranky, and a cranky soldier is a dangerous soldier. If we can't kill the enemy we'll complain them into submission. "My back hurts!" "I'm hungry!" "Where's the remote control?"

An 18-year-old hasn't had a legal beer yet and you shouldn't go to war until you're at least old enough to legally drink. An average old guy, on the other hand, has consumed 126,000 gallons of beer by the time he's 35 and a jaunt through the desert heat with a backpack and M-60 would do wonders for the old beer belly.

An 18-year-old doesn't like to get up before 10 a.m. Old guys get up early every morning to pee.

If old guys are captured we couldn't spill the beans because we'd probably forget where we put them. In fact, name, rank, and serial number would be a real brainteaser.

Boot camp would actually be easier for old guys. We're used to getting screamed and yelled at and we actually like soft food. We've also developed a deep appreciation for guns and rifles. We like them almost better than naps.

They could lighten up on the obstacle course however. I've been in combat and didn't see a single 20-foot wall with rope hanging over the side, nor did I ever do any pushups after completing basic training. I can hear the Drill Sergeant now, "Get down and give me...er...one."

And the running part is kind of a waste of energy. I've never seen anyone outrun a bullet.

An 18-year-old has the whole world ahead of him. He's still learning to shave, to actually carry on a conversation, and to wear pants without the top of his butt crack showing and his boxer shorts ticking out. He's still hasn't figured out that a pierced tongue catches food particles, and that a 400-watt speaker in the back seat of a Honda Accord can rupture an eardrum. All great reasons to keep our sons at home to learn a little more about life before sending them off to possible death.

Let us old guys track down those dirty rotten cowards who attacked our hearts on September 11. The last thing the enemy would want to see right now is a couple of million old farts with attitudes.



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THE FOLLOWING ARE ALL QUOTES FROM 11 YEAR OLDS SCIENCE EXAMS



Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxyginis pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.

When you breathe, you inspire. When you do notbreathe, you expire.

H20 is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.

To collect fumes of sulphur, hold down a deacon over a flame in a test tube.

When you smell an odourless gas, it is probably carbonmonoxide. Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state.

Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes, and caterpillars.

Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.

The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader.

Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull.

Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.

A super-saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.

Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas.

The body consists of three parts - the brainium, the borax and the abominablecavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowels, of which there are five - a, e, i, o and u.

Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.

Planet: A body of earth surrounded by sky.

Rhubarb: a kind of celery gone bloodshot.

Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.

Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.

To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.

For a nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.

For drowning: climb on top of the person and move up and down to make Artificial Perspiration.

For Fainting: Rub the person's chest or, if a lady, rub her arm above the hand instead. Or putthe head between the knees of the nearest medical doctor.

For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.

For asphyxiation: Apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

To keep milk from turning sour: keep it in the cow.

The pistol of a flower is its only protection against insects.

The alimentary canal is located in the northern part of Indiana.

The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken outand the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meatto.

A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids,two molars,and eight cuspidors.

The tides are a fight between the Earth and Moon. All water tends towards themoon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.

A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.

Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa.

Germinate: To become a naturalized German.

Liter: A nest of young puppies.

Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.



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EXTINCT WORDS



WORDS SOON TO BE EXTINCT.....WORDS FROM THE OLD DAYS

Thinking about "fender skirts" started me thinking about other words that quietly disappear from our language with hardly a notice.

Like "curb feelers" and "steering knobs." Since I'd been thinking of cars, my mind naturally went that direction first. Any kids will probably have to find some elderly person over 50 to explain some of these terms to them.

Remember "Continental kits?" They were rear bumper extenders and spare tire covers that were supposed to make any car as cool as a Lincoln Continental.

When did we quit calling them "emergency brakes?" At some point "parking brake" became the proper term. But I miss the hint of drama that went with "emergency brake."

I'm sad, too, that almost all the old folks are gone who would call the accelerator the "foot feed."

Didn't you ever wait at the street for your daddy to come home so you could ride the "running board" up to the house?

Here's a phrase I heard all the time in my youth but never anymore - "store-bought." Of course, just about everything is store-bought these days. But once it was bragging material to have a store-bought dress or a store-bought bag of candy.

"Coast to coast" is a phrase that once held all sorts of excitement and now means almost nothing. Now we take the term "worldwide" for granted. This floors me.

On a smaller scale, "wall-to-wall" was once a magical term in our homes. In the '50s, everyone covered his or her hardwood floors with, wow, wall-to-wall carpeting! Today, everyone replaces their wall-to-wall carpeting with hardwood floors. Go figure!

When's the last time you heard the quaint phrase "in a family way?" It's hard to imagine that the word "pregnant" was once considered alittle too graphic, a little too clinical for use in polite company. So we had all that talk about stork visits and "being in a family way" or simply "expecting."

Apparently "brassiere" is a word no longer in use. I said it the other day and my daughter cracked up. I guess it's just "bra" now. "Unmentionables" probably wouldn't be understood at all.

It's hard to recall that this word was once said in a whisper -"divorce." And no one is called a "divorcee" anymore. Certainly not a "gay divorcee." Come to think of it, "confirmed bachelors" and "career girls" are long gone, too.

I always loved going to the "picture show," but I considered "movie" an affectation.

Most of these words go back to the '50s, but here's a pure-'60s word I came across the other day - "rat fink." Ooh, what a nasty put-down!

Here's a word I miss - "percolator." That was just a fun word to say. And what was it replaced with? "Coffeemaker." How dull. Mr. Coffee, I blame you for this.

I miss those made-up marketing words that were meant to sound so modern and now sound so retro. Words like "DynaFlow" and "Electrolux." Introducing the 1963 Admiral TV, now with "SpectraVision!"

Food for thought - Was there a telethon that wiped out lumbago? Nobody complains of that anymore. Maybe that's what castor oil cured, because I never hear mothers threatening their kids with castor oil anymore.

Some words aren't gone, but are definitely on the endangered list. The one that grieves me most - "supper." Now everybody says "dinner." Save a great word. Invite someone to supper. Discuss fender skirts.

I thought some of us of a "certain age" might remember these.



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QUESTIONS TO PONDER



Is it good if a vacuum really sucks?

Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand?

If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words?

Why do "tug" boats push their barges?

Why do we sing "Take me out to the ball game" when we are already there?

Why are they called "stands" when they are made for sitting?

Why is it called "after dark" when it really is "after light"?

Doesn't "expecting the unexpected" make the unexpected expected?

Why is "phonics" not spelled the way it sounds?

If work is so terrific, why do they have to pay you to do it?

If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

If you are cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right?

How come abbreviated is such a long word?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only have one?

Why is Christmas the only time of the year you sit in front of a dead tree and eat candy out of your socks

Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why isn't there be a shorter word for monosyllabic?

Why is dyslexic so hard to spell?

Why are there flotation devices under plane seats and not parachutes?

Why if it is illegal to drink and drive, do bars have parking lots?

Do pediatricians play miniature golf on Wednesdays?

How can a house burn up while it burns down?

Why do we press harder on the buttons of a remote control when we know the batteries are dead?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

If a lawyer can be disbarred and clergymen defrocked, can electricians be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, and tree surgeons disembarked?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is brassiere singular and panties plural?

If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know?

Why do slow down and slow up mean the same thing?

Why doesn't onomatopoeia sound like what it is?

Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing?

How can the weather be hot as he** one day and cold as he** another?

Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?

Why is it called lipstick if you can still move your lips?

When you lose your temper, shouldn't that mean that you get happy?

How do you get off a non-stop flight?

If money doesn't grow on trees, why do banks have branches?

Why do we say we "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every hour and a half?

Why is it called the Department of the Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

If everyone lost five pounds at the same time, would it throw the earth out of orbit?

What color hair do bald men put on their driver's license?

If practice makes perfect and nobody's perfect, then why practice?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

Why do we put our suits in a garment bag and our garments in a suitcase?

When two airplanes almost collide, why is it a "near miss"? Shouldn't it be a "near hit"?

Why do we shut up but quiet down?

How did the "Keep Off the Grass" sign get there in the first place?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

Why do we say something is out of whack? What's a whack?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts" and you put your two cents in . . . what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? Aren't they just stale bread to begin with?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks?

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me. They're cramming for their final exam.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the others here for?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.



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TEST YOUR ADVERTISING KNOWLEDGE



Who said it?

Scroll down for answers.

1. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful.

2. The quicker picker upper.

3. Have it your way.

4. Just do it.

5. It's not nice to fool Mother Nature.

6. Mother, please, I'd rather do it myself.

7. I'd rather fight than switch.

8. When you got it, flaunt it.

9. Mama Mia, that's a spicy meat-a-ball!

10. They're magically delicious.

11. When you care enough to send the very best.

12. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman.

13. Finger lickin' good.

14. You've come a long way, baby!

15. We bring good things to life.

16. Double your pleasure, double your fun.

17. We drive excitement.

18. Less filling. Tastes great.

19. How do you spell relief?

20. Betcha can't eat just one.

21. Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you don't.

22. Ancient Chinese secret, huh?

23. Help! I've fallen and I can't get up.

24. Stronger than dirt.

25. It's the real thing.

26. No more tears.

27. Nothin' says lovin' like something from the oven.

28. Because life is not a spectator sport.

29. Good to the last drop.

30. A little dab'll do ya.

31. When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight.

32. The beer that made Milwaukee famous.

33. We answer to a higher authority.

34. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz.

35. When it rains, it pours.

36. Ask the man who owns one.

37. Don't leave home without it.

38. I liked it so much I bought the company.

39. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

40. It keeps going and going and going...

41. It helps the hurt stop hurting.

42. It does a body good.

43. It's what's for dinner.

44. We love to fly and it shows.

45. Rich Corinthian leather.

46. Celebrate the moments of your life.

47. Manly, yes, but I like it, too.

48. We'll leave the light on for you.

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Answers

1. Don't hate me because I'm beautiful. - Pantene shampoo

2. The quicker picker upper. - Bounty paper towels

3. Have it your way. - Burger King

4. Just do it. - Nike

5. It's not nice to fool Mother Nature. - Chiffon margarine

6. Mother, please, I'd rather do it myself. - Anacin

7. I'd rather fight than switch. - Tereyton Cigarettes

8. When you got it, flaunt it. - Braniff Airlines

9. Mama Mia, that's a spicy meat-a-ball. - Alka-Seltzer

10. They're magically delicious. - Lucky Charms

11. When you care enough to send the very best. - Hallmark

12. Strong enough for a man, but made for a woman. - Secret deodorant

13. Finger lickin' good. - KFC

14. You've come a long way, baby. - Virginia Slims cigarettes

15. We bring good things to life. - General Electric

16. Double your pleasure, double your fun. - Doublemint gum

17. We drive excitement. - Pontiac

18. Less filling. Tastes great. - Miller Lite beer

19. How do you spell relief? - Rolaids

20. Betcha can't eat just one. - Lay's potato chips

21. Sometimes you feel like a nut; sometimes you don't. - Peter Paul Mounds

22. Ancient Chinese secret, huh? - Calgon soap

23. Help! I've fallen and I can't get up. - LifeCall

24. Stronger than dirt. - Ajax Laundry detergent

25. It's the real thing. - Coca-cola

26. No more tears. - Johnson's baby shampoo

27. Nothin' says lovin' like something from the oven. - Pillsbury Poppin' Fresh Dough

28. Because life is not a spectator sport. - Reebok

29. Good to the last drop. - Maxwell House Coffee

30. A little dab'll do ya. - Brylcreem

31. When it absolutely, positively has to be there overnight. - Federal Express

32. The beer that made Milwaukee famous. - Schlitz Beer

33. We answer to a higher authority. - Hebrew National hot dogs

34. Plop, plop, fizz, fizz. - Alka-Seltzer

35. When it rains, it pours. - Morton Salt

36. Ask the man who owns one. - Packard

37. Don't leave home without it. - American Express

38. I liked it so much I bought the company. - Remington Shavers

39. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking. - Timex

40. It keeps going and going and going... - Energizer batteries

41. It helps the hurt stop hurting. - Bactine ointment

42. It does a body good. - Milk

43. It's what's for dinner. - Cattlemen's Beef Board

44. We love to fly and it shows. - Delta Airlines

45. Rich Corinthian leather. - Chrysler Cordoba

46. Celebrate the moments of your life. - General Foods International Coffees

47. Manly, yes, but I like it, too. - Irish Spring Soap

48. We'll leave the light on for you. - Motel 6



Click Here for more slogans.

Click Here for even more slogans.



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LOVE THE IRISH NAVY



This is the transcription of an ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, Ireland, in October of 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98.

IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision.

IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision.

BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course.

BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITANNIA. THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH.
I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP.

IRISH: We are a lighthouse...............Your Call.



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WHAT MOTHER TAUGHT ME



1. My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE.
"If you're going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning."

2. My mother taught me RELIGION.
"You better pray that will come out of the carpet."

3. My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL.
"If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"

4. My mother taught me LOGIC.
"Because I said so, that's why."

5. My mother taught me MORE LOGIC.
"If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you're not going to the store with me."

6. My mother taught me FORESIGHT.
"Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."

7. My mother taught me IRONY.
"Keep crying, and I'll give you something to cry about."

8. My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS.
"Shut your mouth and eat your supper."

9. My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM.
"Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!"

10. My mother taught me about STAMINA.
"You'll sit there until all that spinach is gone."

11. My mother taught me about WEATHER.
"This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it."

12 My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY.
"If I told you once, I've told you a million times. Don't exaggerate!"

13. My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE.
"I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."

14. My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION.
"Stop acting like your father!"

15. My mother taught me about ENVY.
"There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do."

16. My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION.
"Just wait until we get home."

17. My mother taught me about RECEIVING.
"You are going to get it when you get home!"

18. My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE.
"If you don't stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way."

19. My mother taught me ESP.
"Put your sweater on; don't you think I know when you are cold?"

20. My mother taught me HUMOR.
"When that lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."

21. My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT.
"If you don't eat your vegetables, you'll never grow up."

22. My mother taught me GENETICS.
"You're just like your father."

23. My mother taught me about my ROOTS.
"Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?"

24. My mother taught me WISDOM.
"When you get to be my age, you'll understand."

25. And my favorite: My mother taught me about JUSTICE.
"One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!"



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HUMOR FOR LEXIPHILES (LOVERS OF WORDS)


You can tune a piano, but you can't tuna fish.

I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me.

Police were called to a day care where a 3-yr-old was resisting a rest.

Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now.

The roundest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.

When fish are in schools, they sometimes take debate.

A thief who stole a calendar got 12 months.

A thief fell & broke his leg in wet cement. He became a hardened criminal.

When the smog lifts in Los Angeles, U.C.L.A.

The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

A dentist and a manicurist fought tooth and nail .

A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired.

A will is a dead giveaway.

A chicken crossing the road, poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

You are stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

A lot of money is tainted: 'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

Those who get too big for their britches will be exposed in the end.

When you've seen one shopping center, you've seen a mall.

When she saw her first strands of gray hair, she thought she'd dye.

Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead to know basis.

Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

Acupuncture: A jab well done


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WORDS NOT FOUND IN THE DICTIONARY


Non-Words - Words that should be in the dictionary, but are not there.

Accordionated: Being able to drive and refold a road map at the same time

Asphinxiation: Being sick to death of unanswerable puzzles or riddles

Blogish: A variety of English that uses a large number of initialisms, frequently used on blogs

Dringle: The watermark left on wood caused by a glass of liquid.

Dunandunate: The overuse of a word or phrase that has recently been added to your own vocabulary

Earworm: A catchy tune that frequently gets stuck in your head

Espacular: Something especially spectacular

Freegan: Someone who rejects consumerism, usually by eating discarded food

Fumb: Your large toe

Furgle: To feel in a pocket or bag for a small object such as a coin or key

Glocalization: Running a business according to both local and global considerations

Griefer: Someone who spends their online time harassing others

Headset jockey: A telephone call center worker

Lexpionage: The sleuthing of words and phrases

Locavor: A person who tries to eat only locally grown or produced food

Museum head: Feeling mentally exhausted and no longer able to take in information; usually following a trip to a museum

Nonversation: A worthless conversation, wherein nothing is explained or otherwise elaborated upon

Nudenda: An unhidden agenda

Onionate: To overwhelm with post-dining breath

Optotoxical: A look that could kill, normally from a parent or spouse

Parrotise: A haven for exotic birds especially green ones

Peppier: A waiter whose sole job is to offer diners ground pepper, usually from a large pepper mill

Precuperate: To prepare for the possibility of being ill

Pharming: The practice of creating a dummy website for phishing data

Polkadodge: The dance that occurs when two people attempt to pass each other but move in the same direction

Pregreening: To creep forward while waiting for a red traffic light to change

Quackmire: The muddy edges of a duck pond

Scrax: The waxy coating that is scratched off an instant lottery ticket

Smushables: Items that must be packed at the top of a bag to avoid being squashed

Spatulate: Removing cake mixture from the side of a bowl with a spatula

Sprog: To go faster then a jog but slower then a sprint

Sprummer: When summer and springtime can't decide which is to come first, usually hot one day then cold the next

Stealth-geek: Someone who hides their nerdy interests while maintaining a normal outward appearance

Vidiot: Someone who is inept at the act of programming video recording equipment

Whinese: A term for the language spoken by children on lengthy trips

Wibble: The trembling of the lower lip just shy of actually crying

Wurfing: The act of surfing the Internet while at work

Wikism: A piece of information that claims to be true but is wildly inaccurate

Xenolexica: A grave confusion when faced with unusual words


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BETCHA YOU DIDN'T KNOW


Electric eels can generate an electrical charge of 600 volts or more in order to stun prey or zap predators.

The groundhog is a member of the rodent family. The typical adult groundhog can weigh approximately 8 to 14 pounds and average about 22 inches in length. Groundhogs are also known as "woodchucks," "whistle pigs," and "marmots."

Pennsylvania law mandates that all counties provide veterans' graves each year with a flag, most of which are distributed before Memorial Day.

Cats are the only domestic animals that walk directly on their claws, not on their paws. This method of walking is called "digitigrade". When cats scratch furniture, it isn't an act of malice. They are actually tearing off the ragged edges of the sheaths of their talons to expose the new sharp ones beneath.

The state of New York instituted the nation's first mandatory seat-belt law on July 12, 1984.

The human sense of smell is so keen that it can detect the odors of certain substances even when they are diluted to 1 part to 30 billion.

Five of Shakespeare's heroines disguise themselves as males: Rosalind, Julia, Portia, Viola, and Imogen.

The eggplant has many names worldwide. In addition to "eggplant," it is called aubergine, brinjal, melanzana, garden egg, and patlican.

The kinkajou's tail is twice as long as its body. Every night, it wraps itself up in its tail and uses it as a pillow.

Art Linkletter's Kids Say the Darndest Things was the best-selling nonfiction book in the U.S. for two years in a row: 1957 and 1958.

Eighteen ounces of an average cola drink contain as much caffeine as a cup of coffee.

The top three cork-producing countries in the world are Spain, Portugal, and Algeria.

Some deep ocean currents are moving so slowly that they will take thousands of years to reach the surface.


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